Category: Fourre-tout

“It’s always better to be the dumper than the dumpee.” Lauren Conrad

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So your girlfriend just broke up with you. Good riddance!
In ancient days (pre-iPhone) you would mope around for weeks, even months before regaining your balance and sanity.

Today, no worries mate.
Instead of crying in your beer you will turn to social media and publicize your newfound availability. You will let everybody know that you are alive and well and ready to party. You are going to show your ex that you are not a pathetic wreck but an attractive individual who won’t have any problem finding another mate.

To make her jealous (yes) you will start by getting fit (diet, jogging and Cuba Libres) and transforming yourself into a sexier, more attractive fellow. Not that you were not pleasant looking before, but you can always do better when the situation demands it. And this situation absolutely demands it!

Then you will flaunt selfies of the new you on Facebook. Especially in company of attractive girls. Pay them to pose with you if you have to. You cannot be penny-pinching in cases like this.

You will also update your status (“not in a relationship anymore”) and make your ex regret ever breaking up with you. Because there is absolutely no doubt that she (who refuses to talk to you) will scrutinize your status on Facebook.
And (to be frank) you will probably also check hers.

It is going to be a contest to see who will first manage to “hook up” (I absolutely hate that expression) with another partner and flaunt a newfound felicity. Psychologically, it is essential to succeed first because you were the dumpee, the loser.

To that effect, you cannot be too choosy about your new relationship. You have to move fast. You left me, so I will show you. I can find somebody better than you… and faster.

But if she succeeds first, there might be a problem. She dumped you and she found a new lover first. She cannot have it all. It would be too unfair.

You might slightly alter the game in your favor by convincing some co-worker to pretend to be your new inamorata. You will ply her with favors to pose with you in different provocative situations. You might even convince her to stand next to you twirling a pair of laced panties… and immediately post the pictures on Facebook.
That will show her!

“If you feel the need to insult your ex or their new lover, you obviously still have feelings for them.” – Alexis Rose

Could it be? Damn it to hell!

Alain

 

As a New Year resolution, many women made the commitment to acquire “buns of steel”. For buns are in, and boobs are out… Not really, but buns are definitely what’s happening.

Life is a rat race. Everybody knows that, or ought to know it.
In order to separate yourself from the pack, you need to showcase your assets. If you don’t have any outstanding talent or a plethora of prestigious diplomas, it might be a good strategy to flaunt your exterior signs of sexiness.

Women celebrities do this by revealing a lot of cleavage (and side cleavage) and subtly (not really) showcasing their rear end.
Booties now reign supreme. They come in all shapes and sizes but no matter what they look like it is probably a woman’s most potent weapon. These assets are even ranked on the Internet and butt selfies are popping up all over the web.

Following this relatively new trend many women are now wearing yoga pants. This tight hugging garment can do wonders for ordinary looking women. It emphasizes a part of their anatomy that is often more eloquent than their face.

“It is very disappointing to follow a woman in the street, fascinated by her gait, approach her and discover that her face is much less expressive than her ass.” Jacques Sternberg

 By parading their caboose women tease us. It is a strategy called “attacking from the rear” and as many generals would tell you, it is a surprisingly effective tactic.

And buns are now big business. You have butt lifts, butt implants, gym classes, yoga classes, yoga garments, butt lifter garments, etc.
There is really gold in them buns!

But like miniskirts, yoga pants can be fickle friends. They can look great on one person and risible on another.
Few women though can resist the idea that the cloth makes the man (or woman). If you wear yoga pants you feel like winner. And for those who might snicker,

“My ass contemplates those who talk behind my back.”

Happy New Year everybody and may the Good Fairy brings buns of steel for everyone.

Alain

“If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn’t contain any calories.”

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Is it humanly possible to like any type of food? Apparently so. Somebody close to me does.
I don’t understand this.

Nature gave us taste buds to distinguish between tasty and distasteful food. We need to use those buds and mercilessly reject any bit of unsavory food.
But some people (forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing) cannot help themselves; they will ingest absolutely anything dead or alive, regardless of its color, shape or smell.

Babies can also be fooled into eating anything. What do they know? As long as you spoon-feed them they will happily chomp on whatever you push into them. I know one of those kids! This little guy is an eating-machine. Nothing scares him. He will probably become a tightrope walker or a hot dog eating champion.

Personally I am a little somewhat picky. I particularly hate cooked cabbage and all its relatives. Like a Sicilian vendetta it will only end when one of us gets whacked off.

Then there is the pork stuff.
I generally agree with the saying “dans le cochon tout est bon” (in a pig, everything is good) but there are limits. I love “cochonnaille” but don’t ever mention pig’s feet or “tripes” to me.
Entrails and internal organs absolutely turn me off. You could not pay me enough to eat it. It has been exorcised and totally banished from my table.

And I am not a big fan of vegetables either; dead vegetables that is.
Generally acceptable when raw (like onions for instance) they become “personae non gratae” after having spent too much time lounging in a sauna pot. There is nothing worse than a limp vegetable.

“An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.” Will Rogers

And there is a list of so-called “edibles” too long to mention that will never cross my lips.

Some of my best friends are fruits, except of course cucurbits (melon, pumpkin, squash, etc.). Those are false friends, pretending to love you but secretly despising you. They are just like the Washington “swamp creatures” of yesterday and newly restocked creatures of today.

When I don a cooking apron, I like to use wine or brandy. These elixirs can resurrect any flat lining dish in a jiffy. If anything tastes dull, bring out the liquid artillery. A few shots of brandy can reanimate any dish from any coma.

“I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” –W.C. Fields

To sum it up, treat your body like a temple.
Don’t eat what does not smell good, what does not look good and what does not make goo-goo eyes at you.

Alain ♫

Ah ! si les hommes voulaient s’aider ! Ah ! si les femmes voulaient céder! Fréderic Dard