Category: Fourre-tout

– Kate… we need to talk…

This ominous heart to heart conversation usually does not augur well… It is generally the prelude to an imminent breakup. But these few forbidding words did not seem to make a big impression on my roomie. She remained seated, cool and composed.

Since she kept silent, I felt that I had to continue… She stared intensely at me with her big unblinking green eyes.

– Kate my dear let me start by saying that I am very fond of you… we have been together for 4 years and it has been mostly fun. You are clean and neat, I give it to you… you don’t smoke, you don’t drink… you don’t throw wild parties…

Impassive silence.

– You are generally well behaved… you don’t abuse the TV or the phone… you don’t take inordinate lengthy baths…

Pregnant silence.

– But lately, I hate to say it, your behavior has been unreasonable… difficult.

Sullen silence.

– You have been hostile… very hostile, and for no good reasons…

Stony silence.

– As a matter of fact, you have been aggressive, very aggressive… You have bitten me and scratched me repeatedly… without any provocation…

Contemptuous silence.

– You even have drawn blood during a recent encounter, and I still bear the scars… In case you did not know, this is called domestic violence my dear, and this is punishable by law… I could call the cops on you…

Deafening silence.

-This cannot go on… You will have to change your behavior or else… Do you understand what I am saying? Nod your head if you do. Good. I am glad we had this little tête-à-tête…

Deciding that the meeting was over, Kate stood up, turned around and left the room in her usual stealthy manner, her tail held high.

I feel confident that this little chat will help. There is nothing like a frank conversation to clear the air and start everything anew.

Alain

We live in complicated times. Social conventions are rapidly evolving and many people fail to update their code of conduct.

Any IT (Information Technology) guy will tell you that failing to update your software is risky. Similarly, neglecting to keep up with social mores is equally perilous. The latest furor about sexual harassment is a prime example of this conundrum.

Sexual harassment (and there is absolutely no denying that the beast hides there) is happening mainly due to ignorance. Most people are almost totally illiterate about the art of seduction, and it shows.
In this craft, playful verbal talent takes precedence over any physical contact. If you don’t know this, you are bound to commit sexual harassment… and dearly pay for it.

“All great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.” Marya Mannes

A playful and friendly exchange of pleasantries is the way to start flirting. No coercion. Napoleon, a noted military strategist once said: “A woman who laughs is a woman conquered.” So make them laugh before proceeding to any further action.

To succeed you need to prepare. Just like cooking or any other skill, the art of seduction ought to be taught in high school. And before seeking sexual gratification you should be able to prove that you graduated from this course. So be prepared to carry proof of certification in your wallet.

Sex as everybody should know, has to be consensual, meaning that both people involved are consenting to it without undue pressure. To avoid future litigation, a consensus ought to be reached.

So before engaging in a sexual congress, there should absolutely be no equivoque! Both partners should read and agree to the terms of a carefully written contract. Then after shaking hands, the damsel could signal her willingness by saying: Go for it, dude!

Every game has rules and there is no exception in the intimacy game. Time out means time out. So, stop before entering the intersection, watch for the green light, listen for audible signals and then proceed with caution.

Uncle Alain

It was a kiss to level mountains and shake stars from the sky. It was a kiss to make angels faint and demons weep… a passionate, demanding, soul-searing kiss that nearly knocked the earth off its axis. Lisa Kleypas

Whoa! This is what I call a kiss! But let’s go back to our story.

In case you forgot, La Pétanque Marinière was founded in 1972. It was the brainchild of 5 homesick French guys named respectively Charlie Davantes, Louis Toulon, René Di Maio, Marcel Parnell, and Jean-Louis Bontemps.
Rene, Marcel, and Jean-Louis passed away but the club lives on.

 

Despite its current diversity, the club has undeniably French roots and many of its rules and customs derive from the French culture.

At la Pétanque Marinière, when we show up on the field we kiss all the ladies. This old observance is called “faire la bise” (kiss – on both cheeks). It has nothing to do I haste to say, with the notorious “French Kiss”.

This ritual is fine and dandy, but we are now facing a case of “Force Majeure”; a condition that takes precedence over all previous customs.

Due to the flu epidemic that is sweeping the mainland, we will now forgo la “bise” and greet each other with a very fashionable Fist Bump. It is painless and looks very cool. If it is good enough for a (classy) President it is good enough for us.

Don’t try to sneak up on anybody and steal a kiss. Penalties could be severe. If you must, you can blow a kiss but you cannot make skin contact. You cannot plant your lips on somebody’ else face; it is not kosher anymore.

I know that this is going to be difficult for some kissing enthusiasts, but you will have to control yourselves. Germs are everywhere and ready to leap on you and conquer your body. Remember, loose lips sink ships. Don’t torpedo your team with unbridled passion.
If you absolutely must kiss somebody, use Skype… or any other application.

We might soon have to wear a surgical mask but I draw the line at slipping into a niqab or a “burqua”. I am deadly allergic to these garments.

Alain