Category: Fourre-tout

Did you ever think that you were an ambassador? Probably not.
You might not have the title of the trappings, but in the court of public opinion, you are the flag bearer of your ethnicity.

Everything that you will do, especially if you break the law, will reflect on your specific background. You often won’t be judged as an individual, but as the representative of your social group.

If you are of Russian background and behave like a drunken Cossack, it will shed a very negative light on Russian people; it will give rise to generalities – all Russians are drunkards and ruffians – and prejudice.
Similarly, if you are black and commit any crime, the entire black community will be blamed for your misdeed.

All of us, regardless of our ethnicity or backgrounds are viewed as stand-ins for our specific tribe. No matter where you go or what you do, especially if you are a minority, you will be first seen as a reflection of your peers.

That is why you must always remain tuned in to your environment. Whenever on the world scene or on the pétanque court, as an ambassador, you must show a positive image of the breed that you represent.

Newly minted duchess Megan Markle for example, cannot afford to misstep. She is the perfect potential target for hate groups. She is a commoner, she is divorced and biracial. If she trips, all these details will come back and hit her like a boomerang.

The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions. Dwight D. Eisenhower

So, whoever or wherever you are, watch your steps. Don’t scream, don’t make a scene. The world is watching and judging you.
The Big Guy is much too busy to keep track of his restless flock, but Public Opinion never sleeps. In this time of ubiquitous recording devices, everybody is on camera.

Whether you are a Dago,

a Frog, a Gook, a Gringo, a Limey, a Chink, a Gook, a Goy, a Greaseball, a Good ol’ boy, a Jap or  a Kraut, always control your temper, and avoid being called any of the above colorful niceties.

Alain

Like every year, I carefully earmarked some time to share my most private thoughts with you. Please kindly mind the non-disclosure agreement.

Despite totally unfounded rumors, I have been a very good boy and If you hear anything to the contrary, don’t believe it. It is fake news… My lawyer (who never lies) is ready to answer some written questions, if need be.

In accordance with our gentleman’s agreement, here is a short list of some of my outstanding achievements:

·      Despite my known distaste for vegetables, I ate plenty some of them.
·      The past year, I groomed our cat 27 times… I also massaged my wife’s back twice.
·      I have mainly refrained from howling each time I see DJT on TV.
·      Unlike last year, I didn’t post anybody’s phone number in a public bathroom.
·      I now only occasionally grope girls on the pétanque field.
·      This year, I only hacked 4 computers compared with 15 last year.
·      Despite my anticlerical views, I brushed my teeth religiously twice a day.
·      I complimented an extremely ugly woman on her good looks. She was not grateful.
·      I knitted a wool hat for you.

What do I wish for Christmas Santa?
I am not picky. Anything expensive, preferably made in France, will do.

I hope that you did not get too fat and are still able to get down chimneys. As usual, I will leave  milk and cookies in the living room .
If you feel a little stressed (I totally understand), there will be some decent Acapulco Gold next to the milk and cookies. Feel free to remove your boots for a spell and have a few well-deserved drags.
There will also be some hay for your reindeer on the kitchen floor.

I remain your totally devoted fan (ready to take a bullet for you).

Alain

PS: Don’t bring any gifts to my neighbors. I believe am sure that they are not Santa’s lovers but Satanists.

Enunciation is the act of pronouncing words clearly. You might be surprised how very few can do this properly.

Last night I watched a BBC production called “The Favourite” and while I found it entertaining, I struggled mightily to understand the actors’ lines.

The main characters were Olivia Colman as Queen Anne, Rachel Weisz as Lady Sarah and Emma Stone as Abigail Masham. Coleman and Weisz are British born while Stone is American, but they all managed to be almost totally incomprehensible to American ears… at least my Franco-American ears.

I always had a good ear for foreign languages and I thought that I had a decent command of the Bard’s language, but after last night I am starting to wonder.

“HOSTESS. Oh, nonsense! She speaks English perfectly.
NEPOMMUCK. Too perfectly. Can you shew me any English woman who speaks English as it should be spoken? Only foreigners who have been taught to speak it speak it well.” ― George Bernard Shaw, Pygmalion

I tend to agree with you George. A lot of English people tend to stutter or mumble. Even the Royals… In a perfect world, all English nationals should speak like Masterpiece characters… but unfortunately, they don’t. They talk more like comic relief foreigners.

Today, being able to read and write is not enough. Every school kid, and particularly every asylum seeker, should be compelled to take speech lessons to learn how to enunciate properly. If they didn’t, they should become Untouchables.

Granted, English spoken by British and American people is different, but everybody should speak clearly. Regardless if you hail from Australia, England or America, every syllable should be pronounced.

I find this lack of clarity particularly galling, especially when having a phone conversation. Incidentally, I think that somebody could make a fortune by creating a “speech correction app”. Regardless of your origins, each time you would use a phone your voice would sound like Demosthenes. Wouldn’t be great?

My beef with deficient speakers might have a bit to do with a diminishing auditory capability but I stand by my claim. Use enunciation properly and get a 10% discount on everything you buy from me.

I have an unmitigated love for foreign movies. Be it from Sweden, Argentina, Italy, Israel, Poland, etc. all exotic films are consumed with equal relish. Even though I don’t speak Swedish, Spanish or Hebrew, I am plenty satisfied with closed captions. It beats mumbling anytime.

Closed Captions

are at the forefront of modern visual art, and when I become President, subtitles will be used everywhere… especially in these darn British productions.

Back me up, Make Enunciation Great Again!

Alain