Category: Fourre-tout

Today, like it or not, we are all “connected”. We can instantly reach anybody by phone, tablet, computer, etc. but talking face to face with another human being has become less common. Everything we do seem more impersonal, not involving personal interest.

When we need a bit of information, instead of calling somebody we turn to the web. We pan for data through Google. It is way more efficient. You don’t have to go through greetings, small talk or thanks. Just show me what I need and I will do the rest.

It is more productive that’s true, but also more impersonal. It suits some but disturbs others. Today, you could probably manage to live for a month without ever having to talk to another human being. Our machines will talk to other machines to minister our wishes.

But there is a price to pay for this convenience. By relying on bots, we lose our ability to relate to other people. Everything we do now is lacking emotion, human warmth. It becomes thus easier to start a war just by pushing buttons.

At the outset, America was basically an Anglo-Saxon country, with everything that it implies. Traditionally, Anglos were more reserved; they lacked the warmth, the exuberance of their Latin cousins.

But lately, things have changed. Originally, once an American had shaken your hand, he would never do it again. At your next meeting, a simple “hello” would suffice.

In the last few months though, American males have taken to embrace each other. And in true American fashion, they went overboard. They now embrace everybody anywhere.

In my book, you hug somebody after a long absence or in a case of high emotion. Going for a bear hug each time you see somebody is an exaggerated (often embarrassing) gesture.

I am not anti-hugs mind you; I truly appreciate them when they are appropriate, but I would not make it a regular routine. I am more flexible with that though when the hugging comes from the opposite sex.

It does not mean that you should absolutely rein in your natural inclination, but there is a time and a place for everything.

Male bonding yes, but in moderation, por favor!

Besos y abrazos a todos.

Alain

“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”  W. C. Fields 

My domestic partner and I are about to embark on an exciting safari, and ten days before departure time we I am pathetically unprepared.
Make no mistake, a safari is no ordinary vacation. One needs to carefully plan for it and any oversight could be costly.

We need porters, camera bearers, trackers, cooks and translators to communicate with the various tribes that we will encounter. We also have to dress properly. I have set aside a pair of safari trousers, a hat, a bandana and a sarong, an elegantly casual outfit for dinner and of course my special undergarments.
My partner keeps her traveling wardrobe under wraps.

We also have to pack some “meds” such as insect repellent and anti-malaria tablets for some unforeseen circumstances.

No trophy hunting for us by the way. Unlike pathetic small-penis hunters, we are not going there to slaughter any living creature. I will be shooting exclusively natives in their natural habitat. I have plenty of digital ammunition and I will be merciless.
I will give you a chance to watch my “tableau de chasse” upon my return.

So where are we going? you may ask. This is a closely guarded secret known only to a few hundred of our closest friends. The only thing that I can tell you, is that our expedition is going to involve air travel and fluvial navigation.
The Amazon? The Yangtze? We are not talking…

Of course, like Stanley, I will try to keep a journal. Later on, if I am well disposed, I might tell you about our drunken parties or any other debauchery.

Some old friends will meet us in a secret location. They might carry damaging information about some of our presidential candidates, and if they do, they will pass it to me. I will use this as I see fit.

In the meantime, I am still pondering what kind of zapatos to bring along. We are going to an area known for sudden changes in weather and we don’t want to be caught with our pants down.

We hope that the country won’t go to pieces while we are away. Nowadays sexual revelations can explode like IED’s and blow to smithereens the most powerful political machines. If you are planning to run, clean up your radioactive closets my friends.

Adios, arrivederci, ciao, auf wiedersehen, paka, see ya, a la revoyure…

Captain Alain

Lately, a little voice in my head has been inciting me to start a cult.

I don’t know where it comes from, but it sounds like an interesting idea. Convince people that you know something that they don’t, and mold them into obedient, zombie-like disciples.
Who would not want to do this?

Thinking of it, I would not mind being venerated and have people blindly follow my directives… Some folks even worship POTUS, so it must fairly easy to accomplish.

It is not important by the way, to know anything about what you will preach. You just need to improvise and come up with a few catchy slogans. “Let all that you do be done in Love” is a good one. “Love is My Religion” is another winner.

One of the important problems facing my undertaking is that I don’t know where to start… but this never stopped any determined entrepreneur. So as usual, I checked the internet for advice.

I came across a bunch of cult leaders, and to my surprise, they were not all men. There were plenty of women among them. Live and learn.

According to the web, you have to start small and reel in one follower at a time. Once the subject has been properly conditioned, you send him/her out to proselytize in your favor. “Z is an amazing person. He is a spiritual leader who changed my life completely… you have to meet him.”

There is nothing like word of mouth recommendation. It is much better than advertising. You might not necessarily believe an ad but you will pay more attention to a friend who is vouching for a certain product.
So, let your disciples spread the good word and soon you will have an interested audience.

Nabbing a celebrity would be a plus but you can do without it. You have to subtly mold your followers into complete submission. Once it is done you can ask them anything: money, sexual favors, murder, suicide attacks.
Who would not be tempted by such an experiment? Power is intoxicating… and rewarding.

So don’t be surprised if one of these day somebody contacts you and ask you to join my group. For a few dollars I promise to show you the True Path and enlighten you.

Just one thing though. You will have to address me as Maharishi Alain and defer to me for all matters of importance.

That’s all. I cannot wait to meet you and take advantage of you enlighten you.

Alain

PS: “If a spiritual teacher says something that doesn’t make sense to you, you should always listen to yourself and not the teacher. A little common sense would end all cults.” Frederick Lenz