Friends, Romans, Millionaires—lend me your ears!
I come here to bury our former president, not to praise him.
In 2026, I intend to run for President of the LPM Pétanque Club (among other things) and usher out the radicals who’ve turned our peaceful terrain into a battlefield of boules and bravado.
I stand before you with only one mission: to make our club great again. From now on, no more wasting club funds on mystery expenses, no more rampant disorganization, no more corruption.
I want to know where every penny goes each time it is spent, and especially on frivolous expenses like Medicare care and Social Security.
Everybody is ripping us off, and I intend to put an end to that. I will tax everything coming to this country, unless they give us a fair good deal. I want every manufacturing job to come back to the US, so that our citizens can enjoy the high-paying jobs they deserve! Yes, there might be some growing pains during this period, but I promise you that it will be only temporary. Maybe ten to twenty years of hardship at most, not more. Guaranteed!
I am running to make our club great again, and to end the waste of money and the ineptitude that is flagrant in the present administration. I want to stop the influx of illegal players who have snuck into our country and stolen trophies from our hard-working citizens. They are rapists and criminals, and I intend to send them back where they came crawled from… or anywhere else.
Let me be clear. I will be firm but fair. My administration will hire only the best, regardless of political beliefs, and as long as they pledge a loyalty oath to me, to the club, to pétanque, and to our sacred cause (which I’ll announce later).
As for defense, our club is already a powerhouse. We’ve got the best players, the fiercest throwers, and the sharpest aim in the Western Hemisphere. If Greenland (a poor, bare country) needs us, we are willing to help extinguish the volcanoes’ braziers that are devastating your beautiful country. We will do this as a fair deal. One club, one citizenship, one country!
Our club needs money, and I intend to do some serious fundraising to remedy that problem. Fundraising is my specialty. Millionaires are welcome to our ranks, and I promise you that there won’t be any discrimination if you approve of my policies. And I will lead by example. Don’t be afraid to make money. It is good for everybody, it is healthy, and I will show you how it is done. Making money is not a sin—it’s a pétanque tradition!
To boost morale and club spirit, I will also promote pompom squads, American flags, and a rousing rendition of the national anthem before every tournament. That’s right—pompoms, anthems, the works. We’ll turn pétanque into the most profitable sport in the world. And I already acquired the rights to the best boules ever made. They will be made in America, and it will benefit the American iron and steel industry and contribute mightily to our national recovery.
So vote for me—and you, too, can experience the thrill of supporting an ambitious, unapologetically enthusiastic, money-loving enthusiast who just might take pétanque to the stars.
Alain