“If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.”
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Here we go again. As the end of the year approaches it is time once more for virtuous commitments. So here are my well thought out New Year resolutions.
1- I will lose weight
This one is probably on everybody’s list. But as you very well know, it is more easily said than done. It might have something to do with the fact that “diet” is a four-letter word and that many people won’t have anything to do with such a word.
2- Quit smoking
I put this one on my list because I know for sure that I can do that. I can easily score some points here this since I never smoked. But hey, there are no small victories, only sore losers.
3- Stop twerking
I will stop twerking, I swear. An obnoxious brat completely turned me off this secret practice of mine. No more hips or booty shaking for me. Sorry girls.
4- Drink more water
I will drink more water. I won’t (like demented urban trekkers) carry a bottle of water everywhere I go, but I will force myself to increase the level of moisture in my already magnificent body.
5- Become a vegetarian
I will become a vegetarian. I put this here, because each time I see cattle in a field I feel sorry for the animals, thinking of the fate that awaits them. But unfortunately I still like a piece of meat once in a while. This is going to be a tough one.
6- Keep on clobbering religion
I will keep on deriding religion. This medieval practice has no place in modern society. It is like believing in Santa Claus. After a while astute grownups stop giving credence to this unhealthy fairytale.
7- Quit farting so much
I will try to curb my flatulence. Cows across the freeway already produce enough methane to light up Marin County for 6 months. I must stop contributing to Global Warming.
8- Stop fondling my iPhone
I will stop acting like a lovesick teenager and fondle my iPhone every 5 minutes. I know that it can cause blindness or grow hair in the palm of my hand. But I might fondle the top of my head to coax my hair to grow again.
9- Dress more stylishly
I will dress more stylishly. I will stop wearing jeans and start dressing in stretch leggings to emphasize my curves. I owe it to myself (and to the world) to be fashionable.
10- Adopt a pet
I will adopt a pet. Sorry, it is already done.
11- Befriend my friends’ friends
I will befriend new people and steal their ideas. I will dine and wine them to extract their most valuable secrets to benefit my secret slush fund.
12- Get off prescriptions drugs
I will try to convince my medico to wean me off prescription drugs. I take too many of these colored pills already. I know that Big Pharma needs the money, but I am pretty sure that it can survive without my help.
Those, my friends are my righteous goals for 2016.
Do yours compare favorably?
Alain
PS: Percent of people who are successful in achieving their resolutions: 8%
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