“I have read descriptions of Paradise that would make any sensible person stop wanting to go there.”
Charles de Secondat
After the Big Job in Paris and after blowing himself to smithereens, Mohammed ascended (strangely it felt more like descending) to Paradise.
During his short journey to the Promised Land he exulted. He did a very good job in France (emptied at least 7 ammunition magazines) and slaughtered lots of worthless Infidels.
He totally deserved what awaited him.
Life in Paradise was going to be sweet. He was already counting his blessings.
He would renew his friendship with his comrades in arms, eat good food, drink sweet beverages and last but not least have plenty of sex. As promised, 72 virgins were waiting for him.
As matter of fact, it was a “une histoire de cul” that drove him to Jihad.
He was caught trying to take some liberties with his neighbor’s daughter and her enraged father cursed him, beat him with a stick and chased him away.
Humiliated, angry and sexually frustrated, Mohammed joined ISIS.
For a while life was good. He and his comrades captured a lot of land and took a lot of prisoners. They summarily executed many of them and this gave him a feeling of omnipotence. He felt great.
Then he was assigned to this job in Paris and lived in the French capital for a while. He could not help but feel vaguely envious of what he saw.
People looked well nourished, happy, and above all there were plenty of beautiful women flaunting their sexuality.
Well, he thought a little jealously, after my job is done, I will have plenty of those.
Unfortunately for him, due to the great demand for virgins in Muslim countries there was an acute shortage of presentable maiden in Paradise. The virgins found there were basically rejects. Most were old, lame, or toothless.
When he was presented with his prize, he felt cheated.
After waiting that long though, most of the leftover virgins were eager for sex and they fought hard for his attention.
But Mohammed seemed to have lost the lust he felt on earth.
Having to deal with 2 or 3 girlfriends at the same time is hard enough, but putting up with 72 quarrelsome frustrated harpies is infinitely worse.
He grew irritated and started to get into fistfights (weapons are unfortunately banned in Paradise) with his equally frustrated mates.
He asked to be sent back to earth, especially to France.
Sorry, he was told. This is Paradise, and you cannot leave Paradise. You are here forever.
This is not Paradise he thought, this is Hell.
Everything they told me was a bunch of lies.
“Le Paradis, c’est la France” (Paradise is France).
And he wept bitterly… in Hell forever.
Alain