Unlike my (many times removed) cousin Zac Efron, I am not a celeb and I am glad that I am not. If I were, my life could be hellish.
If I were a celebrity I would have to wear torn jeans.
Being a neat freak (in some areas) I couldn’t do that. I absolutely hate well-off people wearing torn jeans (especially when appearing on television).
Because really, what is the message?
I have plenty of dough and I could afford some fancy jeans, but I don’t care about social mores. I do as I please and if you don’t like it, hell with you.
Conceited and disrespectful. Not my style.
If I were a celebrity, I would have to pretend to be mad at paparazzi.
I said pretend, because those guys are the people who keep the flame of celebrities burning bright.
If they didn’t shoot you in every possible situation, your star would quickly tarnish.
So I couldn’t bite the hand that fed me.
I would have to do drugs.
It goes with the territory. In the firmament of newsmakers you are never too high. If you think that you are flying too low, a few snorts of cocaine will boost you back in high orbit.
Not for me. I am leery of height.
I would have to wear dark glasses.
It is the required apparatus of a star’s wardrobe. A celebrity wears them to supposedly go incognito. But oversize dark glasses don’t hide anything. They just emphasize the fact that you desperately want to be noticed.
I couldn’t do that. I am too modest and large specs (Audrey Hepburn style) would make my head (my best feature) look too small.
I would have to hook up with a very young or much older chick.
As a star, I could not have a normal love life. It would be beneath my condition. As a celebrity I would need to shock and a regular girl is not what my business manager would recommend.
Don’t be conventional. Take them young or old. No in-between. It will create a nice buzz.
Nah!
I would have to hop from bed to bed.
No self-respecting “celebrity” sleeps in the same bed every night. If you do that you are utterly bourgeois and don’t belong in showbiz.
Personally I like to sleep in a familiar bed. I don’t want to have to tame a new mattress (and a woman) night after night.
I’ll pass.
I would have to go braless.
If I were a woman, I would have to go braless and have occasional dress malfunctions to boost my ratings.
Nothing like an inadvertent (?) nip slip to rally the paparazzi.
Not for me. My nips are too small and not pert enough.
I would have to be obnoxious and profusely apologize next day (maybe not).
I don’t like obnoxious. It is not my style. I leave this to rockers and rappers. It is their bread and butter.
I don’t want to starve them.
I would have to lose or gain weight regularly.
A no-no. My magnificent body is my temple; I cannot mess with it.
So to sum it up, I don’t want to wear dark glasses, ripped jeans or snort coke.
I am not cut for Hollywood. I am just a guy who is too plain to be famous.
I am just famously plain, and I like it that way!
I you want to adore me, it’s OK but don’t expect me to ever wear torn jeans or go braless.
Alain